


Falling In Love Again

by SkinnyPlease



Category: Phandom
Genre: AU, Alternate Universe, M/M, Memory Loss
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-03
Updated: 2015-03-03
Packaged: 2018-03-16 02:43:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,660
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3471404
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SkinnyPlease/pseuds/SkinnyPlease
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Phil Lester.</p><p>The name was so familiar, like one of those words that gets caught at the tip of your tongue, but you just can’t produce it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Falling In Love Again

Phil Lester.

The name was so familiar, like one of those words that gets caught at the tip of your tongue, but you just can’t produce it.

Phil Lester.

I woke up with those words on my lips and no one knows who he is. I think of blue when I think of the name and I don’t know why. But the blue, it’s so bright and beautiful.  

Phil Lester.

I can’t stop repeating the name, over and over in my head. He seems important, but I don’t know if he really is.

They tell me that they don’t know who I am exactly, besides my medical records. I don’t know who I am either, besides the facts that I guess have been drilled in my brain since birth. I’m Dan Howell, London born and raised, and I’m 22 according to the I.D. I had in my wallet when they found me in a ditch. I remember a bit of my childhood, right up till about sixteen, even though I know I am much older.

They told me that they tried to contact my family, but they refused to talk to me or help.

Phil Lester.

~

_“How’re you feeling today, Mr. Howell?”_

_“Fine. Do you know who Phil Lester is?”_

_“Again, no, Mr. Howell. We’re currently looking into it. For now, just try to relax okay?”_

~

They release me a few days later. The doctors say I should be okay, but give me the emergency number in case. They say my memory should return soon and if it doesn’t to contact them in a few weeks.

They give me all I was found with, a pair of black skinny jeans, a dark red shirt, leather jacket, a key chain with too many keys, my wallet, and I.D.

I hail a cab and rattle out an address before I realize what the address is. The cabbie doesn’t try to chat. I pay him with the little money left in my wallet.

 I follow my feet to a brick building and up to a flat - #12. I knock but there’s no answer, so I try all the keys on the keychain before one fits and the door swings open.

The flat is large and empty. It feels weird. Like something is wrong even though I don’t know what that something is.

~

_“Hello…Phil?”_

~

The flat has weird stuff in it. There’s two bedrooms and a large office and living room that’s attached to a kitchen.

A bunch of pictures take up the walls as well as artworks. There’s a picture of a guy with black hair and bright blue eyes on a nightstand. 

Phil Lester.

~

_“Where are you?”_

~

I pull out my phone, unlocking it with muscle memory. I am almost ashamed my body remembers me more than my head does.

Logically, I should be researching myself online. I'm not sure I want to learn myself from the internet, though. Best to avoid it. I don't know what's going on with me.

The phone looks like an advanced version of the iPhone that had just been recently released back when I was sixteen, which is probably what it is.

I find the contacts button and thumb through them, avoiding the contacts that look like family (such as 'Mom') because my family apparently wanted nothing to do with me, according to the doctors. The other contacts are simply names that have no meaning to me. Except for one.

_‘Phil (Lester everybody)’_

I call it with some level of difficulty

_~_

_Rinnnnnnggggggg_

_Rinnnnnnggggggg_

_Rinnnnnnggggggg_

_Rinnnnnnggggggg_

_Rinnnnnnggggggg_

_“…Hello! This is Phil Lester’s amazing voicemail! Leave a message and I’ll try to get back to you as soon as possible!”_

_BEEP_

_“…”_

_~_

I try ‘ _PJ (#sweg)’_ next, it's closest one to Phil's with anything personal written.

~

_Rinnnnnnggggggg_

_Rinnnnnnggggggg_

_Rinnnnnnggggggg_

_“DAN!”_

_“…hello?”_

_“Holy shit, Dan! Where have you been, we’ve been so worried!”_

_“I…how close are we?”_

_“Um…pretty close?”_

_“Can you come ‘round?”_

_“Dan, what you on about?”_

_“Please?”_

_“…okay”_

_“Thank you.”_

_~_

PJ arrives. He stares at my awkwardly as I explain and show him my medical record. PJ smile and reassures me that everything will be okay and he'll stay with me until he thinks I'm ready to function again. He wipes away the tears I didn’t realize I was crying.

~  
 _“So, you don’t remember, anything?”_

_“…no”_

_“Not even Phil?”_

_“Where is he?”_

_“…I think you’re going to have to remember that one for yourself.”_

_~_

Memories of PJ come back slowly, I soon remember his laughter and smile and meeting him in the first place. He tells me stories but closes up about Phil Lester. He stays with me until I can function, as promised. I avoid the internet. I want to remember, not look up. PJ tells me about YouTube and how my fans will be worried. I remember what YouTube is. I don’t remember much about it though. It's apparently important to me. He teaches me iPhone tricks. 

Chris Kendall is invited over and I remember him almost instantly.

Him and PJ try to educate me more about the new technology and all about 2015.

I call the doctors, they say I’m improving.

~

_“Chris, where is Phil?”_

_“PJ already told you, you have to remember yourself. He was…very important to you. Doctors say it might hurt you to remember so much at once.”_

_~_

Phil comes back in pieces but never in person. I remember his humming first and bad cooking. Then I remember his hair and the stench of hair dye. His room is colorful, so unlike mine. Our bed sheets are matching. It almost seems like something a couple would do.

His room smells addictive and I have to stop myself from going in there all day after PJ leaves me on my own.

Then he comes back in actual memories. I remember the ghost of his lips on mine the first time I remember him. In my memory, we’re sitting on the couch, playing something stupid and he leans over to kiss me. He’s sweet and his eyes are so very blue.

My doctor recommends a therapist so I get one.

~

_“Mr. Howell, how are you feeling today? Any new memories? The doctors have been saying you’re improving.”_

_“I see his eyes, mostly.”_

_“Phil’s?”_

_“Yes. And his hair. I think I loved him.”_

_“Do you remember anything in particular?”_

_“The first time we met in person, I think I almost crushed him because I literally flung myself into his arms.”_

_“Do you remember anything else?”_

_“We always wanted a fish.”_

_~_

Phil comes back into my life sweetly, memory by memory. I remember Manchester strongly. It was filled with awkward showers and burnt toast and too many milkshakes. I almost feel like I'm falling in love with him all over again.

As my university years come back, I commend my younger self on putting my mental health before school and dropping out.

I remember YouTube but don’t dare to go on. The internet is mostly expelled from my life. I’m scared that I’ll find something on it that I won’t want to know.

Chris and PJ swing by a lot and check in.

~

_“Your fans miss you.”_

_“Yeah, I know.”_

_“It’s okay to have some time, Dan, but don’t forget to stop living.”_

_“I’m fine.”_

_“Remembered more of Phil lately?”_

_“Yeah.”_

_~_

It comes almost five months later when I remember most things important. The only thing missing is Phil. Where is he? If anyone close to me knows, they’re not telling.

However, I don’t need them too, because a week later Phil’s answer comes in the middle of the night, as I try to drift to sleep. I pause, tempting the memory out, and it comes to me almost too quickly.

We’re outside, walking, it’s late and we’re laughing, slightly tipsy. His breath smells of cheap beer but I kiss him softly anyway. We’re laughing about nothing and it’s happy. But then the guns are pressed the back of our necks just hard enough for us to sober up. The men demand our wallets. I almost scream. They demand Phil's first, and that he remove it slowly. He pulls his wallet from his pocket as steadily as possible. I'm shaking so hard. Phil twitches to grab my hand, comfort me even if we're at gun point. The gun goes off, twice. My eyes are squeezed tightly shut, Phil’s fingers fall, and I feel myself being hit over the head.

I come out of the memory with a sudden gasp of air, sitting up quickly, and promptly vomit.

~

_Rinnnnnnggggggg_

_Rinnnnnnggggggg_

_“Hello?”_

_“He’s dead.”_

_“…you remembered.”_

_“How could you not tell me?”_

_“It wasn’t my place to.”_

_“…I…it hurts. I think I’m going to vomit again, Peej.”_

_“I’m coming over.”_

_~_

I’m angry at PJ, but not angry enough to not cry on to his shoulder when he arrives at my house. I can barely stop crying. My hands shake and I feel so sick. It hurts even more than the first time I lost him, because I fell in love with Phil Lester all over again. I've memorized his voice from memory and I can still hear his laughter echoing. PJ's had time to grieve but I never have. I get drunk and try not to remember.

~

_“Come ‘ere, I’m so sorry, Dan. I know I should have said-”_

_“I need more beer.”_

_“…are you sure, you’ve had a lot”_

_“I don’t care, give me more beer.”_

_~_

I hurt more than anything.

~

_"Dan, I know it hurts, okay? I lost him too. But you need to get yourself together. Phil wouldn't want you like this, would he?"_

_"...no."_

_"Life goes on, Dan, no matter death. Everyone dies, Dan, but I doubt they want the people they loved to stop living when they do."_

_~_

It’s late fall three years later and we’re at Phil’s grave when PJ asks me the question I don’t want to be asked.

~

_“Do you miss him?”_

_“...always.”_

**Author's Note:**

> i started this a while back and just finished it. tell me what you think i guess.


End file.
